I've talked to so many who believe they are supposed to be superhuman and bear up under all things. When they don't, they all too readily look for the fault within themselves."

~~~~ Gloria Naylor

I had to grow up at the age of three. A horrible thing happened to me and changed life forever for me at that time, but I didn't know it.

By the time I was five, I was raising three children, my siblings, with one more to come. It was as if my mother birthed them and handed them over to me to raise, although in hindsight I don't think she realized what she was doing. That was my first bout with "enabling".

By the time I was 12, I had a special work permit that allowed me to work and go to school at the same time. Someone had to work to make sure that there was food during the entire month and clothing for my sisters and brothers. During this early morning job in our school breakfast program, I met the man who would 11 years later become my husband and one day the father of our child. He was 14 years old at the time and trying to be superman himself, although I don't think he realized it.

I reflect on my early years because those years formulated the woman I am today. In my journey as a black woman into healing from abuse, I am reminded that I didn't get to my awareness that all that was going on in my life was not normal. And I need to continue to remind myself that the "fix" is not going to come overnight either.

There are so many things that I wished I could have done differently, but survival was the key. I am a survivor. Many of us who are survivors believe that we are all things to everyone in our lives, but we don't place a value on what we mean TO ourselves. We take on responsibility after responsibility to relieve others of THEIR responsibility and when the walls come tumbling down, we think it is somehow OUR fault. We have been conditioned to believe that everything BAD that happens in our world is our FAULT. The blame lies with no one else because no one else will accept their own blame. For our abusers and oppressors to accept blame would mean they would have to face their own crap. It is easier to allow us to bear the burden.

Now that we have some idea of how we got to be "superwoman" without the magic powers, how can we stop the cycle? How can we begin to realize that we as black women are not machines? How can we understand that we cannot bear up under everthing that happens and be like the stepford wives with no feelings? When will we learn that everything is not our fault and that inside, deep in our soul, where nobody gets to go but US, that we are worthy of much more than all of this insanity!

This morning, I am taking a vow that when things go wrong, like acid rain, brown haze, wars and rumors of wars are not of my making. No matter how much it was drilled into me, I am going, just for today, realize that bad things are not caused by me and that I should not internalize other's feelings. I will acknowledge my own feelings of being a blessed person upon the face of this planet and no one can take that away from me in this moment.

In this moment, I will realize that I have made wonderful contributions in the lives of those around me. No matter what my ex-husband says, I was a good wife, or he would not have been able to be a drunk and retire from the military with 20 years! Were it not for my "enabling", he would have been a drunk azz, no military retirement fewl.

In this moment I will realize that I helped to raise not only my mother's children, but those of my foster mother and some of the good in their lives can be attributed to me. When I look into the faces of my nieces and nephews I will see my own goodness.

In this moment, I will realize that I was an excellent mother to my son. I am an excellent mother now. I mothered all his friends whose mothers had abdicated their responsibility and I thought it was up to me to pick it up. Even if he is 20 and doesn't have a damn clue, I pulled him along by the skin of my teeth for I was falling apart and kept it all together for him.

In this moment, I will think it is ok for things to fall apart and be ok with it.

For in this moment, I have life, and where there is life, there is hope that one day my healing will be complete.

Black women! The white women are not the only ones who deserve to heal! We do too! We just don't have black Dr. Phil's! What is good enough for them, is sho nuff good enough for me and that is feeling good about ME!

Be blessed